How Toybiz and Nintendo Pissed Me Off
I was full
of rage
when I took a long look at the Toybiz Ocarina
of
Time toys back in 2002 (wow I'm old). That was
many many
moons ago, when they'd
first been released. I have just unearthed their evil
once
again, having been buried in the bottom of the deepest,
darkest box I
had available to me for all of these years... and now I'm just
pissed
off.
A little background for
you: I'm
an Ocarina of Time
nut.
I used to write for web sites, I can still tell you my
favorite
Triforce rumors (particularly around the time of the Ariana
scandal),
it's a game that absolutely
needs
to be played at least every couple of years (if not more),
and I can list off the most influential hackers still lurking
in the
community. I also like articulated
figures. Hence the "action" part of "action
figure". After
BD&A's Ocarina
figures
turned out so well, how could
far
more articulated
figures of Link, Ganondorf, Zelda, and even their horses go wrong?
Step
into
my
hell.
Okay, admittedly Phantom Ganon and his
awesome
nightmare steed aren't that bad. At least, in the looks
department. The horse is all evil and awesome and has
armor and
spiffy yellow eyes and stuff. And dude, Phantom Ganon's
mask! He looks all smirky here. Which was my
mistake, as
the mask kept slipping up on his face, which it's not supposed
to. ...I think. As you will see, it's really hard
to
tell with these figures. Also, Phantom Ganon does
actually have a
staff. The reason
it's not pictured is because it's in a bit of a pretzel shape
right
now and requires some straightening. Many years at the
bottom of
a box will do things to shitty
toys.
See, awesome horse! And not too bad
in terms
of painted detail on either figure, really. Hey, if I'd
just
stopped at Ganondorf/Phantom Ganon, I'd have been fine.
A little
miffed that the
joints were always loose as hell, but whatever!
Ganondorf!
And
Phantom Ganon! In one convenient, cost-effective
package--and horse!
...The goofy grin
is kind of where you start to realize, though... this ain't
gonna get
better. Get a drink, folks. Get three. Time
to jump
to the next circle of hell. It's a looong way down.
...What the shit. Impa! Why are
you
riding an angry, diseased horse while that orange, choking
child with
remarkably pathetic "feet" is reaching for you? Impa, what did you do?!?!
Oh my dazzling fuck,
what went
wrong here? The horse is the exact same model as
Ganondorf's, but
that... makes sense for Phantom
Ganon's horse. This one... could use more
hair. And
less anger. And I'm no stranger to lazy paint jobs but what happened to this
abomination, this
unholy freak of toys and nature and the nature of toys and
even video
games? WHY?!
Let me just say that I like Impa.
She's
cool. She's got soft, flexible ears (no, really).
She's a
Sheikah, and I'm into that. I'm still not into that
horse. What the
shit x 2.
But do take note of
young
Princess Zelda... I think. She may be an Oompa Loompa,
or perhaps
just badly sunburned due to sitting outside all day spying on
what's
going on inside the castle--whatever the reason, this isn't
right. She has a little spot of "dirt" on her cheek that
only
highlights how not right
her
face is, making her look more evil than just totally and
completely
lost. And this is young Zelda. Keep this in mind.
That drink you
got? Take a
few solid gulps. Wait until the world is a happy, fuzzy
place. You may not survive this, friend. Good luck
to you.
WHAT THE SHIT X 1,000,000. I can't...
I
just... it... what?
The
moment I took him out of his package, I wished I hadn't.
Do you
have any idea what
kind of horror it
takes to get me to wish a
toy back in their
package?!
Nintendo, what the shit?
DOES THIS LOOK LIKE
EPONA TO
ANYONE? Granted I appreciated the darker elements of the
games,
but... this Epona is clearly diseased with whatever Zelda's
horse had
and then some. Getting this horse to stand up on its own
was
quite a trick.
But oh, oh. That
is not the
worst part, not by far. Not is the fact that it's young Zelda and older Link.
Take
another drink. Finish the bottle... AND BEHOLD THE
TERROR.
WHAAAAAAAAAT THEEEEE
SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.
I
call
him
Happy
Little
Elf Link. He scares the hell out of
me. I'm someone who sleeps next to a life-sized
blood-splattered
Blade doll (Puppetmaster).
I
find
Bizarro
Sephiroth
"kind
of
disturbingly cute". It
took
this Link to make me fearful of
toys
staring menacingly at me in the middle of the night.
Yes,
these figures are away from the others. Far away, where
they can
hurt no one.
This close-up also
demonstrates
the overall complaint that I have with these toys: they're
kind of
really very bad and cheap and not thought out all that
well. It's
like they thought up all of Phantom Ganon's features then
forgot they
were supposed to do anything else. I mean sure, maybe I
was
asking too much of early 2000's toys.
But shortly before they were released, I was looking forward
to ToySite's
line
of
Ocarina toys.
Look
at that! Look at the sheer variety! Sheik!
Older
and younger Link! GOLD SKULLTULA!
...But no, you know
what?
I wasn't expecting
too much,
and I can prove it.
On the left is BD&A's Link (the company
also
made Zelda
and
Ganondorf of the same lovely quality and detail)
released in
1998, and on the right is our Happy Little Fucking Creepy
Champion from
Toybiz and a
2002 release. There's barely any articulation in the
BD&A
figures, sure, but the overall quality is massively
better. I
recall paying quite a bit less for that set, as well.
They didn't
come with horses. I guess that was mostly it. But
are there
any redeeming features of Toybiz's epic fail?
No. --Okay, one. Impa's knife
and the
Master Sword (sad as it is) could be sheathed. I swear,
I'm
easily impressed. ...But not enough.
Link also has a Happy Little Gimmick: a
switch on
his
back that makes his left arm... flail. All hail the Hero
of
Nightmares! I should have left the sheath on in this
picture to
show that you can't
use the
switch while the
sheath is on his back. Nor can you properly position the
damn
thing in the first place. See, I must keep
griping.
Complaining keeps the sanity meter in check, and it's safer
than
punching people. That's what the doctor says, at least.
The pins that keep asses in saddles.
They
don't work. I know, pins commonly don't work, but it was
worth it
to point out that everyone has two pins to be stuck on...
except young
Zelda. She just gets that one back side pin. No
wonder
she's
reaching for Impa so desperately. I mean, besides the
fact that
she obviously seems to want to devour Sheikah brains.
Those tan
zombies, man. Tricky little bitches.
While the figures are
articulated
pretty well, the joints are horrible. The horses can't
turn their
heads, despite looking as though they kinda should--and the
evidence is
visible glue. The horse's legs have also warped inward
over time
(no, I
never had anything resting on them or had them in extreme
temperature
conditions--despite being terrified of Happy
Little Elf Link, I just put the damn things away, I never
mistreated
them, which is why I'm still sort of wondering how Phantom
Ganon's
staff
came to be so misshapen), and in Epona's case it requires some
bending
just to get the horse-demon to stand. At least the
joints aren't
so loose that they fall like rag dolls... yet. I worry,
having
taken them out of their tomb.
Obviously the material
itself
doesn't hold up well. I'd understand all of the scuffing
and
marking if they'd been rigorously played with. ...They
haven't
been. Perhaps I should let bygones be bygones, embrace
my terror
and... look at them every once in a while. I don't know
if I'm
that strong, though. I don't know if anyone ever could
be.
It's come to my
attention that
there are plenty of Legend
of Zelda
statues to choose from, sure... but I'm an action figure
person.
(Except for Fierce
Deity
Link. Oh, so much horrible want and so little
horrible
income.) I long for that one good Link action figure so
I
can put him in
horrible poses... and will not be surprised
at all to
learn it'll be
much, much more than I can ever afford. Mmm, moving
parts.
